Patriots Beat Reporters as Iconic Christmas Characters

You can find them writing stories, reporting in the locker room, and giving Patriots fans the hard-to-get information out of 1 Patriots Place. But, do you really know who the beat writers are behind their Twitter accounts and computers? 

Well, in the Christmas spirit – I’m matching some of these beat reporters to well known and loved Christmas movie characters. I find myself wide awake in the middle of the night after a wild Patriots win, so the thoughts coming out in this article will be interesting. Please know that I offer this with tremendous respect, admiration and a rather large dose of sarcastic humor.

In all seriousness, the Patriots organization is one of the hardest (if not the hardest) beats to cover in sports. These beat writers work tirelessly day in and day out. So, for a day, I’d suggest stopping the awful, terrible, horrible, no good, very bad comments on their Twitter feeds and wishing them Happy Holidays. 

Without further ado, let’s get the show on the road. 

Mike Reiss (ESPN) – Buddy the Elf

First up is the person everyone knows and immediately thinks of when it comes to Patriots reporting. Writing for the Patriots since 1997, Reiss’ constant ability to think outside the box is nothing short of remarkable. You can always enjoy a nice joke with Mike, whether it’s his creative emoji skills or endless puns.

FYI: This selection has nothing to do with Scott Zolak calling Reiss an elf… Well, actually, on second thought…maybe it does.

Mike Giardi (NBC Sports Boston) – Ebenezer Scrooge

“Stink, stank, stunk.” Although Mr. Giardi was right, and frankly, more people should have been listening to him – he’s often as cynical and real as it gets. Maybe deep down, he misses Tom Brady and the feeling of covering a team in February. Regardless, Giardi isn’t afraid to hand you the information without sugarcoating his insights.

Mike Kadlick (WEEI) – Clark Griswold

One of the most recent members to the Patriots beat, Mike Kadlick, offers a newer perspective to the fans. Someone who hasn’t experienced the dynasty era, Kadlick’s opinions are sometimes a little controversial. Now, don’t get me wrong, who doesn’t like pickles on pizza? But I, for one, could easily see Griswold and Kadlick becoming best friends. Just imagine them working together, spending hours hanging Christmas lights just for the power to be cut short.

Alex Barth (98.5 the Sports Hub) and Evan Lazar (Patriots.com) – Know-It-All Kid from The Polar Express

When thinking about all the characters I would choose from, I had to pick at least one nerd. But how can I signal out just one nerd on the beat? It’s impossible to separate these inseparable best friends, Alex Barth and Evan Lazar. Even with Lazar leaving Barth repeatedly on his podcast, the two always make their way back to each other. Now you can find both of them as co-hosts on Patriots Catch-22. Both writers are extremely talented at what they do, and you can’t find the in-depth Xs and Os anywhere else. So, like the Know-it-All Kid from the Polar Express, one can easily imagine Alex or Evan sitting next to you on the train and talking about the importance of pre-snap motions and RPOs or how quarterbacks should take advantage of zone coverage and use audibles. There’s no doubt in my mind these two best friends had straight A’s in college. 

Doug Kyed (Boston Herald) – John McClane 

This one was the hardest to choose from. I just thought to myself, if I were to be stuck in a hotel with terrorists trying to kill me, and I had to call a beat reporter to save me, who would I pick? My first gut was Taylor Kyles. And I’m still reluctant to not chose Kyles, but Kyed gets the nomination for this one. Doug’s perseverance is second to none and the way he presents himself even with battling obstacles off the field is nothing short of phenomenal. There aren’t many people who would be able to accomplish what Doug is doing or to do it with such grace, strength and skill. Also, I would give so much to hear him jump out of a building screaming, “Yippie ki yay.”

Fred Kirsch, Mike Dussaunt, Paul Perillo (Patriots Unfiltered) – Santa

All three of these individuals seem a little bit like Santa. I couldn’t just list one of you guys because, in all seriousness – Patriots unfiltered is one of a kind. With Paul being the realist and Mike bringing the stress levels down at the round table, all three of you work extremely well together. Whether it’s Fred taking calls from Todd in North Carolina or the tireless amount of tire and car advertisements, you can find a little bit of generous and jolly in all 3 of them.

Tamara Brown (Patriots Unfiltered) – Cindy Lou Who

Bringing cleverness to the Patriots’ unfiltered crew, Tamara Brown perfectly complements Fred, Paul, and Mike. Tamara is known for her smart insights on the Patriots. Like Cindy Lou, who’s optimistic, clever and energetic, Tamara brings an uplifting spirit to the round table. The only difference between Cindy Lou and Tamara is that Lou didn’t attend Virginia Tech.

Andrew Callahan (The Boston Herald) – Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer 

I knew I wanted to incorporate Rudolph in this story, but it took me some time to find the right match. Rudolph is always saving the day. So, I had to dig deep and really use my creativity to find a perfect comparison. Andrew Callahan always comes in with the ground-breaking, “source-tell me” stories. Last year, Callahan gave an in-depth look at what went wrong in the Patriots offense; this year, he told us Bailey Zappe was going to take over as the starter. There’s no question Callahan works hard to find trustworthy sources in the Patriots locker room to give the fans the information they want. 

Tom Curran (NBC Sports Boston) – Kevin McCallister

All you need to do is watch the first two minutes of Curran’s TV special “Quick Slants,” you’ll understand this choice. Curran is arguably the most “witty” and resourceful of the bunch. The longest-tenured Patriots beat member always has a trick up his sleeve. I just wish Tom Brady Sr. was still associated with the Patriots because, you know… But all kidding aside, Curran got too much slack this past month for reporting on Belichick’s future.

Taylor Kyles (CLNS Media) – Ralphie 

I talked about Kyles earlier in the article, but don’t worry, he’s back. The only people on the beat who even coming close to the film analysis Kyles produces are… you guessed it, Evan and Alex. Kyles is brilliant and always has tape rolling through his timeline on Twitter. And yea, both of them have a love for toys. Just imagine Kyles filming a podcast, with a line of miniature toys behind him. Oh wait, that’s already the case. Ha. 

Michael Hurley (WBZ) – Frosty the Snowman 

Michael Hurley, in my opinion, is the most out-going on the beat with his playful interactions on Twitter. Oh, and who can ever forget his note-taking ability on Chad Ryland and the Patriots specialists in the summer? Frosty is a playful and animated guy who brings joy and spirit. For every job, you need a guy like Michael to bring the positively to the press box.

Nick Stevens (Fitzy) (WEEI) – Cousin Eddie 

Do I even have to explain this one?